Funny Short Sayings Funny Life Quotes

Friday 25 March, 2016.

Funny short sayings, funny life quotes, our collection of best funny sayings, funny sayings and quotes to make you laugh.

Life is so much easier and stress-free when we learn to laugh at it!

We hope you enjoy our humorous sayings and find something that brings a smile to your face.

Funny Short Sayings

“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
~ Douglas Adam ~

“Age is mostly a matter of mind. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter’s.”
~ Mark Twain ~

“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”
~ Robert Bloch ~

“It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner.”
~ Ben Bergor ~

“I’ve never had a humble opinion. If you’ve got an opinion, why be humble about it?”
~ Joan Baez ~

“People like you are the reason people like me take pills!” ”
~ Neva Faith Linn ~

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”
~ Mark Twain ~

“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”
~ Mark Twain ~

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
~ Groucho Marx ~

“When a gardener turns over a new leaf he usually finds an aphid.”
~ Author Unknown ~

“Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.”
~ Mrs. White ~

“The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.”
~ Albert Einsten ~

“Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.”
~ Jerry Garcia ~

“If you think something small can’t make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room.”
~ Author Unknown ~

“Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.”
~ Al Bundy ~

“Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut.”
~ Robert Newton Peck ~

“Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.”
~ Carl Sandburg ~

“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back.”
~ Franklin Jones ~

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you’re still a rat.”
~ Lilly Tomlin ~

“Setting a good example to children takes all the fun out of middle age.”
~ William Feather ~

“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.”
~ Homer Simpson ~

“Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.”
~ Samuel Butler ~

“A celebrity is a person who works hard to become well-known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.”
~ Fred Allen ~

“Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.”
~ Tori Filler ~

“Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?”
~ Bob Monkhouse ~

“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.”
~ Bob Hope ~

“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
~ Woody Allen ~

“You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going.”
~ Author Unknown ~

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
~ Albert Einstein ~

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.”
~ Bill Cosby ~

“Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.”
~ P. J. O’Rourke ~

“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”
~Erma Bombeck ~

One of our favourite funny short sayings…

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”
~ Lily Tomlin ~

“I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
~ Woody Allen ~

If you enjoyed our collection of funny short sayings, you might also enjoy:

• Funny Christmas Sayings
• Funny Thought For The Day
• Funny Relationship Quotes
• Family Sayings
• Sayings About Life